Time passes. It ebbs and moves and changes, but I find myself utterly unmoved by it.
It’s as if I am a static space, unphased by the passage of time and without a rudder.
As things continue to happen I find myself utterly lost and yet, the world around me grows more clear.
I am absolutely miserable in this skin. I miss the sensation of my teeth piercing flesh, the warm rush of blood, and the magic it ignited within my very core. I miss the control of standing at the precipice of life and death and choosing if my victim will go on breathing.
I miss the intrigue and the court. I miss the politics that I understood. I even miss the silence of my inner voice when I no longer gave it heed. In truth, it’s why I’ve changed so much about myself. The denial is the only way to not devoir my own self out of loathing. If I remember that I was so much more… the lack would be too much to bear.
The loss of a child reminded me of this in full. It was more crippling than any loss before. No one should outlive their children. My humanity died with him that night. When the soldiers came and shot my son for his pelt.
DO NOT EAT THE FLESH OF MAN.
Oh but I did, and I relished in it. The thick metallic flavor made my blood sing at its return… and then I purged it… I’m a wolf now, this is against the rules… no matter how badly I wanted to consume the very essence of the monsters that had murdered my child.
This is only half of what eats at the darkest corners of my mind.
Finn reached into Angus’ mind and saw into him… He’s never spoken of what he saw but I know what it contains… to a point. I know that his mind has never been swayed from the moment that we first met and the feelings that have developed since. It was the whole of the reason that Abel hated him. He knew.
I find myself drifting into years past while I consider all that might have been revealed. Moments shared between us. Worlds and places that we will never see. Some aren’t worth reliving… others? I can’t help but wonder myself. Am I just chasing after a memory of a man that will never exist? Did I refuse to chase one that loved me at my absolute worst? The answer is likely yes but it is far too late for that.
I remember the night after Finn left. My heart was utterly torn to pieces and I found no comfort. Even turning away from Viola, who I’m certain felt that sting. I had taken the box of his things, everything he’d left behind, and moved them to the island. It seemed the only place for them, and in truth… it was only making me worse.
Sitting on the beach that night, I found myself without will to move on. I stared up at the setting moon and traced it as it began its descent towards the horizon. As the sky lit with the coming dawn, I had decided to embrace my end. Why linger in suffering. The moment my mind was set, I found myself crushed to the sand. Angus stared down at me with fear, anger, and something else… I could no longer place the look that echoed feeling.
He’d cursed me for giving up, told me that if I were to die, than he’d die here with me. Just like this. My tears fell bitterly as I felt him lift me up. The wind scored my skin as he ran against it and took up refuge in a cave. It was there he made me swear, tearfully, that I would not take my own life. I never stepped foot on that section of beach again, and the cave… it was years before I gathered the courage and only because it was the one that Abel had claimed for himself.
At first I had only agreed to save him… but in time, I knew that if I were taken by anything short of time, he and others would never recover. In truth, I didn’t live on to save Finn, as often I nobly had decried… it was to save Angus, Percy, Viola, Corsin, Sarah… The people that stayed.
That knowledge is what I fear Finn might possess, the fact that in the end, it wasn’t my love for him that stayed my hand… but the growing love for others and the actions of a man who longs for the return of his love, from across the busy streets of our little town.
In the end, I know my own heart. How do you spend lifetimes with someone and not grow to love them? Perhaps it would have been better if I had died rather than bring them here… I find it hard to say if these things ring in my mind because of truth that I just now embrace… or it is the building bitterness that grows in my chest to save it from the onslaught of pain. As much as I hate to admit it, I blame Finn in part for the death of our pup. He should have been watching…
That is why I stay away, that is why in six months, we’ve exchanged naught but pleasantries. That is why, when faced with him, as he was on the beach, I left. The exposure is too much and leads me to question everything. Questions are something that we cannot afford. Not anymore.