It’s incredible how quickly time passes when you have not been paying attention. In short, the trip home to Skara Brae happened as you might expect. It was a quiet storm. Part of me almost wished that Finn had lashed out, had said or done something… In the end he took his children and left. Perhaps because he knew that if he banished one of us, it would banish both. Perhaps the emotion that he felt for me was real, and I am so tarnished by the events that shaped my current mind that I cannot reciprocate.
Aisling opted to stay. I cannot say that I understand it, but I will not be the one to question her. She has opted to rebuild the warders as the Fianna left with Finn. I could be angry about it, but honestly there is little point. As much as I am certain they wish I did, I cannot feel regret for what has been done, only the way it came out.
Both Joan and I delivered healthy babies, hers a boy that she named Dennis after a glass walker we had known in the future. Mine I named Sarah after a gangrel that Angus and I remember traveling with for a time. She is growing incredibly fast, something to do with the alterations in Angus’ body that allow him the ability to have children. She seems to get on well with Sam and Freddy, as they’ve opted to stay with us and continue to live under my roof. I find that I don’t mind in the least, and they are helpful with the baby and around the town… so long as I can keep them from thieving anything that isn’t nailed down.
I had my marriage ended by the church, which was simple after Finn had gone. Angus divorced Aisling, and after appropriate time, we were married. With luck there was delay in my childbirth that it was easy to assume that we had just been lucky on the first attempt. Everything played out exactly as Viola had suggested, because honestly it was the best plan we had.
I’m not certain what I expected when I walked through the door that Angus held for me, but I am happy with him, with little Sarah, and with our lives. I regret the impropriety of the situation, I regret the damage this has done to Percy, and Aisling. I regret that I see the pain in their eyes on occasion when they look at me and long for the woman they knew.
Angus tells me that I haven’t destroyed anything, and he truly believes it. He feels badly for the injury to Aisling’s heart, but not for anything we’ve done. He dotes on our daughter, and for the first time in my many years, I feel whole. There is no struggle with him, no fight, no constant fear that I will become a monster and he will reject me. The comfort in my own skin makes me feel alive.
Often I seriously consider the offers I’ve received to change again, to be a vampire, however after all of these many changes I am contented to stay as I am. We have a good balance here. Viola manages the Vampires, I manage the Garou and we live relatively peacefully. That isn’t to say that should disaster strike I wouldn’t welcome the change in order to stay here just a little longer with those that I love.
My memories of certain events still haven’t returned. We’ve decided that they likely will not ever, and as I have had occasion to ask, I’ve been told it’s better that I don’t recall the details. Knowledge that devastating, something that changed me so definitively suggests that I am better off not knowing. I will not become that self loathing, suicidal monster that placated the men she loved, rather than letting them love her as she was. Never again.
In truth, I hated her. I remember much now… and I hated her. I despised being her, lost in all of that suffering and pain, all of the weakness that she felt with FInn, with Abel… with Finn again. She felt constantly at the mercy of everyone around her and as evidenced, the first time I opted to take control of my own life and make a choice…
I cannot say that there isn’t some amount of guilt I feel over what has happened, but I refuse to feel badly for being content. That is how this started and it is not how I will let it end.