I understand now why Percy was always so distant at these gatherings. Not belonging in a court you once were hailed in was a sharp reminder I am no long who I was.
It calls to question who or what I am at all. So long I have been told that I am a leader, the town is mine, the group follows me… but how can they follow when you are ignored in favor for the others that you gathered.
I stood in the presence of everything that I aspired to be… and I was looked on as if I were the pet to the vampire that I made. It is beyond infuriating. That they would look down on me as if I don’t belong…
I don’t belong.
Where is the place for one that is outside of normality but not interesting enough to garner special attention? The shadows beside her mate I suppose. Not that I mind the shadow that Angus casts but I miss the ability to perform on the center stage of such political intrigues. I lived for it.
I have not slept in two days. Not because I’m not tired… but this isn’t my home and I have to appear strong. If they had any idea how restless my dreams are, they would think me broken or weak. I cannot appear to be anything less than the refined vision that I am suggested to be.
Angus knows I rarely sleep, and there is nothing that I can take that eases the dreams, the night terrors that I experience every time I close my eyes. If anything it would simply lock me in them longer which is a fate I prefer to avoid. The others though, I continue to shield my weaknesses from them, as I have always done.
I admit that destroying the ghost of the former queen was likely extreme, but in the moments when she demanded my assistance, I understood why she’d been killed. Losing that upon the world in the form of a free wraith, I think not. The other though… I’ll do as I said and return the item to him. He seemed kindly enough to earn a reprieve.
Seeing Victoria was difficult. I remember so little of the recent past that I find myself struggling to again know my place in all of this. I know we spoke to her just a year or so ago. I know that we were pleasant and that I made arrangements with them… but the intricacies of past conversations are gone. The fine details that I would have remembered… gone as if they never happened.
I would have said something, explained that I wasn’t the woman that they knew, but it would make little difference and would have bred doubt of my ability to continue on. We can’t have that.
The technocrat that we were introduced to seemed… different than those that I recall. Then again, we were allies with several, so perhaps it isn’t all bad. It simply means that we will need to insulate Friday from them.
Then there is the matter of Angus’ daughters. We haven’t told anyone of their abilities or their advanced aging. How could we, people kill what they do not understand. This fact is also true for vampires.
… I find myself struggling to focus. This tower is so full of noise. Perhaps I can request a cell of my own where I can sleep without being observed… At least then if I wake, no one else will be disturbed.